The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
