I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
