Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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