My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
