Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
