please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
