I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My hand turned me down
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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