I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
