remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
