We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Randomize
