Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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