I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
