Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
