I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize