Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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