one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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