Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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