Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
