i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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