; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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