So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
