sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
