Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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