You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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