there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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