Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize