im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
