you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
