i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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