win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
