i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
