Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
