Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
