if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
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