:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
