i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
