i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
