Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
