someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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