I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
