I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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