Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
