I haven't been this sober since birth.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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