Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize