You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
