i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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