dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
