I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
