guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
