The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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