I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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