I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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