I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Randomize
