K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
