I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
