Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Semen is not good for contacts.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
