He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize