I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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