Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize