he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
